Work is a very good example of this. In the past I have often been a control freak, and become very upset and unpleasant to be around when things seemed to be moving in a direction that my ego did not agree with. I was very afraid when things would not meet a certain standard. That standard could be, “If we do not get this done on time, I will lose my job, don't you want to keep your job, don't you care, so why the hell are you moving so slow, finish your tasks faster!” This could be directed at myself or at another co worker. And in both cases I would get angry and then depressed. Feeling a sense of the violent struggle to survive, lashing out in anger under the pressure that I felt, I would yell and perhaps throw a box.
When I was younger, I went so far as to break things like a TV, and get in fights at school. After the anger subsided the feelings that flooded in were of guilt and shame. “How could you be such and awful person? You are supposed to be a good Christian, living a life that would make God smile.” I would become depressed, and then I would not let people in because of the fear I had of dragging them into the anger that I felt. This would make me feel lonely, alone, afraid of being alone, afraid of living alone, afraid of dying alone, of missing out on something very important in life. This became a very bad depression and lead to suicidal thoughts, sleepless nights, anxiety, bad choices, etc.
However, in the space that was created between me and other's good or bad influence, there came an indescribable peace and rest when I was not busy being caught up in the my drama. I believe it was this sense of peace that opened me up enough to let a very loyal family and an experience of the spiritual in. Through all of the trails of a troubled mind, I found a way to come back home to peace and stillness, I felt a true joy at times amidst the storm. A balance of struggle and rest was somehow struck up, and it sustained me, helped me keep on living. Reflecting back on it, I realize that such wisdom was beyond my limited comprehension. A much greater power than my own was guiding me to a peace and happiness that was more amazing than anything my limited imagination could create. All the stories and fears of illusionary specters and spirit draining hobgoblins faded away at these moments.
How did this miracle occur? Wasn't it just a part of human life to have demons come out in one's personality every now and then? Isn't suffering a natural? Actively trying to practice non attachment as a yogi this seems a bit ironic, but some of the “more is better,” philosophy of modern culture might have served me in this dilemma. If it is possible to find joy and peace sometimes, why not more? And how do I go about finding it? Another irony, it seemed that the seeker can not obtain this peace and joy like one might own property. It comes from that greater source that gives us peace and joy as only we are open to it. So I learned, for myself, that there is allot of back and forth. Some days I might feel miserable, some days great. However, I do feel a slow building momentum to peace and joy.
Like a scientist, and yoga is often referred to as a spiritual science, it has helped me incredibly to become objective and removed from my own journey to some degree. Taking notes and reflecting on the subject, I chart my progress through writing an objectively personal reflection toward the goal of peace and joy. By being removed for a time, it is possible to see some progress. One key thing to observe is behavior. Am I spending less time being angry, depressed, anxious, etc. If not, is there another way I can change my behavior and activities that might help me toward my goal of peace and joy? The tricky part for me is that, I am observing, yet I am the subject. How can I be sure that I am not unknowingly giving myself false results because I am so close to the subject and bias because of that? Isn't it very likely that if I am in control of when the experiment has reached a positive conclusion, I might just give myself good marks without qualifying and measuring properly, anxious to get to the end, and the prize payoff?
This is where intuition comes into play for me. There is an inelegance that exists beyond our minds, it carries us around everyday in the form of the body, it sustains us with a ground to walk on, food to eat, and objects to act upon in the world around us. We are sustain our internal mechanisms through the breath or air, which also gives external objects space and atmosphere to exist together. My mind is one component of this greater intelligence, but only a part. For me, intuition comes when I give my mind into the reality that everything is connected, just as my body parts are health when they work together, being a part of this shared space, I am health when I am in harmony with the great reality around me. I trust that I am a part of an eternally created and recreated reality just as my body has cells that are in a constant cycle of birth and death. When this happens for however long I am able to allow it, this greater intelligence floods into my form, and the peace and joy of mind that I had been longing for awakens. The anger, despair, anxiety wrapped up in those situation that had become routine for me to experience are now replaced with joy.
This joy is revealed to me through another's way of performing their job, communicating themselves to others, and living their lives. This joy is revealed to me in the moments when I interact in whatever way seems appropriate with the world around me given the situation. Right, wrong, and judgment lose their strangling hold of fear around me, and I simple breath steady and at ease within the space that my life fills, living it to the best of my ability. The space that had at one time separated me from another now connects us much like the blood in the body flows through the veins to each of its parts intern. My ability to communicate and accomplish an activity with a harmonious outcome for those involved is heightened. This means acceptance of the good or bad measured outcomes within the systems that have been created to rule and govern us in society, at work, home, etc. as simply another part of the life's colorful dance. And chances are, if action is taken with the intention to live fully within this intelligence, most will see it as a good and favorable outcome that brings joy and peace to those involved. I believe, this is do to the fact that, at some level, most everyone senses when the greater flow of life is being honored, and feels a bit of that joy within themselves. How would you describe your experience of intuition? Do you see it awakened in your daily life? Would you find it beneficial to study it and allow it to awaken more through your experience of life?
As each day unfolds, may you find the intuition that allows peace and joy to flow through your soul!
Blessings, Love, and Joy to you, my friend! Aaron :-)