By far my biggest hurtles to get past where my obsession with making visual art and my attachment to a certain aesthetic style. It took me a long time and many road blocks before I realized that something was not adding up for me with art making being a life long vocational goal. Reality woke me up by showing me that there were several qualities about making art that I really loved that were not the qualities that a professional artist would use to sell a work of art. I can only really speak from my experience in the matter, of course. The art game can be a rather difficult business to figure out, and is often riddled with hardship and misunderstandings, even life long suffering, and perhaps death before an artist's artwork is discovered. I do not know exactly why I had such a negative perspective on what it took to be a successful artist, but I would come to realized that the fleeting moments of joy that I experienced making art were not worth the suffering that I would experience most of the time when it came to puzzling out how to make money as an artist while attempting to make the artwork that I loved. From what I learned, it was impossible, or so very rare that you were better off conforming to a more mass producible style. Then to top it off, I learned that I have to somehow generalize, but also specialize, making things even more confusing and upsetting. “Be adaptable yet carry your own unique voice.” But you just told me? “The figure is the foundation, draw that well, and you will do great.” I really dislike drawing naked people. It makes me feel uncomfortable. This really isn't working out. Everything I make seems to turn out in the same style, simple, and childish. I can try to force myself to copy what I see another artist doing, but it is very painful, and that unhappiness shows through, reveling a mediocre piece of art work.
Was I right or wrong to distance myself from the professional art world? I decided that it was right to do after having an emotional breakdown during my grad school experience, and finishing the term exploring programming more than visual art. Not only was my suffering causing pain and anxiety to me, but my family as well. They were so very far away, a place of comfort and safety felt very much non existent back then, I caused them much worry as I said some very self destructive things. The dream to be a professional artist was a very hard to give up, because this was something that I was always told I would be, and in tern told myself I would be. You are such a talented artist, you should go to school for it, and become a professional. When passions get mixed up with pressures, sometimes it seems that passion gets ruined. And why did this happen? How can we let this happen?
I believe it was just part of my journey, teaching me something very important. I went to art school, and many other schools to learn this. Honestly, heartfelt passion, pure of fear is the only thing that makes sense, and can truly bring success and happiness in life. It might have been making art work, but it might not have been the type that one sells. It might never sell a product, or win any awards, but that was never the point. The point was in the process, in the passion. It was of the stuff that brings joy and fulfillment to ones time spent here on the earth. Freedom and meditation filled every shape and drew every line. Coming back home to myself was the only true goal. It is just that I got lost somewhere after point A, and did not understand why I could not find point B. All the points were there all along, I now realize that. Once I let go of the expectation, I thought I needed to fulfill, and started to smile and live things got better for me and those around me. It is not that I am making allot of money or have many clear prospects for the future, just that I am happy enough, and I am able to spread a bit of that around to those I encounter through my speech, body language, ability to be present, and so on in that humble yet priceless capacity. It is my deepest wish to you, my dear friend, that you live with passion beyond the pressures and are able to be your own priceless Self in passionate Love. Scary stories can turn into beautiful stories about life and Love! Know that you are wonderful and desire to live in a way that brings true happiness! Much Love, Peace, and Joy to you this Halloween and always! Aaron :-)