Now it is strange for me not to wake up with gratitude, happy, or at least willing to get out of bed for a day full of promise. I often smile, laugh, and tell myself that “I love you for exactly for who you are,” when I look in the mirror. I end the day in a state of gratitude as well. I think a regular gratitude practice helps immensely because happiness comes from a feeling of thankfulness, and it is only nature to be happy more often if you are regularly grateful. It is not that mysterious to me now that I am moving in a more positive way, but in the beginning it seemed strange, all the affirmative words and mirror work. That is just how the mind and emotions work though. Matching strange with strange, and that makes me smile too! :-) I do not think that I have done anything terrible tricky or clever to regularly move beyond negative states. I think it was a matter of practicing healthy and positive activities over and over again, sometimes it is harder to come back to the practice than other times, but I do my best to keep up the practice even if it seems difficult. Perhaps it is those times when it is difficult that I know I need to practice the most.
At times I feel that I need a break, I need a gentler practice, because I have notice that when a practice becomes too overemphasized or overworked it can have a negative effect. This is a matter of being personally sensitive to the way that one learns and grows. Generally a good practice is a good practice, but, for example, trying to perform a split when your hamstrings are not flexible enough creates injury. I have found the same is true when the mind or heart is not flexible enough. For me learning slow and steady wins the race has also been a bit of a struggle. However, being relaxed and at ease with who you are is another one of those gratitude practices that works wonders! :-)
All this practice is in the garden of good and evil, day to day, hour to hour, moment to moment. And there is a balance to it all, just as I notice when I need to be gentler with myself, I need to notice that seeing things balanced between good and evil, opens up my mind and heart, releasing the anxiety that comes with a determined outcome and position in space, which disallows ease within change and harmonious movement. Thinking that each act that occurs around me is one-sided good or bad, is a rather jerky way to live. Being pulled in either direction without a counterbalance on the other side causes me to fall. I never liked taking sides. I never like competition. It never made things more enjoyable for me. I would always dread the times when I would have to choose which side was better. This is where anxiety arises in either desire for something or aversion. Honestly though, it hard not to feel anger for those victimized by violent crime or happy for those that are able to pursue their dreams. Or perhaps something a little simpler like preferring tea over coffee. Desires and aversions seem to be part of who I am. This may invite suffering and imbalance. It is true, but, I believe, at least, that this is why we are here, to learn to deal with this messiness, and to somehow live a little more at peace day to day. I do not like to say that this is good or bad, holy or evil. I do not like to judge, lest I be judged. I am making myself unhappy, inviting in judgment upon myself when I am polarized, so I try my best to keep things in a balance, though I do not expect perfection. It is a process of becoming and acceptance. :-)
Once there was a man with a horse, then he lost the horse, and all his neighbors felt sorrow for him. His response was, “Good or bad, whose to say?” The horse was found, the neighbors rejoiced. His response was, “Good or bad, whose to say?” His son was riding the horse, and fell off, breaking his leg, the neighbors once again felt sorrow for the man. His response was, “Good or bad, whose to say?” All the healthy young men in the man's village had to enlist in the army, and go to war. His neighbors congratulated him on his son's good fortune. You might guess, his response was the same, “Good or bad, whose to say?” I believe this is how I have found a path through life, past anxiety. I realized that by choosing one outcome as the right one, I was creating a point of attachment, that, when the outcome did not happen the way I thought it should, pulled me down into despair instead of lifting me into joy. This is a roller coaster lifestyle that I was never comfortable with, it seemed to be more harmful than worth while. And when I reflected further into why I found joy in those attachments in the first place, it was not because of a particular name that they had, or food that they were made of, experience that they held, it was simply the place that they brought me to, a space where the mind was at peace for a time limited by that experience. Just ask any skilled artist, craftsman, worker, caregiver, etc. They find themselves at a place were everything settles in the stillness of mind, when effort of worry, calculation, and fear are absent, and only a zen moment of skillful fitting action remains to bring with it awe and wonder in both the actor and audience. Take a deep breath, feel the flow in, exhale and let go of everything that you have been holding on to. Balance will come a bit easier now. This is the balance of life in the garden of good and evil. May we all find our peace of mind between these extremes, my friend! Remember that the fruits of your practice benefit more than just you. Like ripples in a pond! The world needs a little more Peace, Love, and Blessing! Thank you for practicing with me today, have a great week, my friend, Namaste! Aaron :-)