For example, a hug as a greeting as a sign of friendship and affectionate consideration can be seen as intrusive and uncomfortable to some. A helping hand to someone who has just dropped something might be seen as a poke an their ego when picking it up and offering it back as if to say they can not take care of things themselves. Completing a task for someone at work because they are falling behind could be seen as trying to show that they can not complete their job and are not suited for employment. A second helping or a large portion of food offered to someone who really has not the stomach to eat it can cause uncomfortable pressure and possibly indigestion if that person feels anxiety at the thought of refusing another's offer of food, possibly causing insult from their perspective.
There are many situations when it comes to interacting with others when kindness seems not quite clear to me if I take time to consider more than just my assumptions, paying close attention to the signs of communication that are being sent my way. When I thought I had been kind, but had actually done the opposite instead of a situation that nurtured each party energetically through positive emotions, the situation turned cold, stagnate, or in the opposite direction. Over time I came to realize that one answer for kindness wasn't always the right one, that different people in different situations needed a different type of kindness that might seem very different from another. A good example is when addressing an artist on their work, you might have an artist that makes art from a highly personal place that has little intention of selling their work, and another that is very much invested in creating a marketable product. For the first artist I might give words that express my amazement of beauty, expression, and meaning, whereas I might give more critical feed back to the other artist addressing design choices that appropriately fit the client's expectations. However, it is likely that one might find a mixture of these personalities, meaning that for kindness to occur one needs to be aware moment to moment which artist is present. Just as we have times where we want to get down to business, and times where we are feeling a personal expression that is beautiful within our hearts, other share in these shifting flows of personality.
I know which forms of kindness that I prefer, but there is not just one way to treat others that would work toward their best interests, and greater goals, just like we ourselves take different approaches to living as our own feelings shift. I am not saying that I have absolute clarity on each occasion that I am faced with and know what kindness would be appropriate. However, I am aware that an investigation of the deeper natures that a person is feeling moment to moment is needed. I need a way to look into the hidden language that gives me insight into the real motivations and goals of others and myself. From what I have been about to learn about myself, I am fairly aware that this deeper language is relieved through action and words but is charge by sensation and emotion. This is where the practice of mindfulness, being aware of the truth that is occurring moment to moment can be very helpful.
Practicing mindful kindness, for me, starts with observing the sensations that stimulate emotions that lead to thoughts, meanings, and stories. Rather than working so much with a thought of a feeling being right or wrong, I look at what that feeling or emotion is asking of me. Perhaps it is a feeling of misery asking me to please stop it. Stop what? What is the specific phenomenon that is causing a sensation that is connected with this feeling of misery? Maybe it is that I am overusing my right hand. In the work that I do, I often have to grab, hold, lift, and open many different size boxes that are of different difficulties to open and different weights. Once I am fairly certain that this misery is connected with this physical pain, I can begin to test a solution to the problem as I see it. A good solution would be the alleviation or the elimination of this pain that would likely lead to the end of the misery if there is not another pain that is yet to be relieved to me. To me, testing this would involve experimenting with not using my right hand for a moment, and seeing if that eliminates some or all of the pain. If at least some of the pain is reduced then I move to the next stage, because I still need to continue with work, I begin to us my left hand for some of the simpler jobs that I would use my right hand for. I observe my level of misery. Has there been a drop? If it seems like I have reached a certain level that is better, I can explore continuing to use mindful kindness on this area of my being or another area of my being that is asking with a louder emotion like my sore feet.
When it comes to showing the appropriate mindful kindness to others, I find that carefully observing subtle behaviors that show up again and again like looking down, up, off in the distance, and/or with a certain facial expression, when they are speaking to you can be more useful than the actual words that they may be speaking. It is very similar to when we are observing ourselves, and learn how to give the appropriate kindness to ourselves. It can be a bit more tricky at first because we do not have the same direct access to experimentation and insight. But with time and regular practice both mindful kindness to oneself and others can be learned and practiced skillfully.
May your week be filled with kindness both for yourselves and others!
Blessings, Peace, and Love to you my friends!
-Aaron :-)